Together But Apart - WHY Couples Living Together Out of Responsibility and Habit, End Up on the Couples Counselling Sofa
- Catherine Christie
- Apr 18
- 5 min read
As a couples counsellor and relationship coach, I meet so many couples surprised to be sitting on the counselling sofa, searching for answers as to why the "the love has run cold." Why do some relationships falter even when both individuals seem committed to staying together? One of the most pervasive issues I encounter in my practice is couples who are simply coexisting—living together out of responsibility or habit, rather than love. They wake up each day going through the motions, but the emotional connection has long since faded, often replaced by indifference. And it is this indifference, more than any other force, that can slowly destroy a relationship.
The truth is, the enemy of love is not hate; it is indifference. When partners stop caring—when the love and the effort to nurture that bond fade away—that’s when couples begin to drift apart. This indifference creeps in like a silent killer, eroding the very foundation of what was once a strong relationship. It may not be as dramatic as constant fighting or outright betrayal, but it is far more insidious because it often goes unnoticed until it’s too late. That’s when many couples end up on the couples counselling sofa.
Falling in Love vs. Staying in Love
We often talk about the idealistic notion of falling in love, as though it’s something that happens to us, an event we have no control over. When people first meet, the world seems brighter, and everything feels effortless. Love at the beginning of a relationship is intoxicating, full of passion, excitement, and the promise of a future together. This phase is often romanticised in movies, books, and media, and we come to expect that our relationships will always be as thrilling as they were in the first few months and years.
But as a couples therapist, I can’t help but wonder: Why don’t people realise that falling in love is idealistic, a distortion of what real love actually is? If you believe that this heady, euphoric feeling is what love is, then you are living in fantasyville—with rose-tinted glasses that hide the true nature of long-term love.
The reality is that as we mature and our relationships evolve, we must acknowledge that staying in love requires more than just going through the motions. It takes consistent effort, commitment, and work. In fact, love isn’t just a feeling—it’s a verb, a doing word. Real love is about showing up for each other every day, actively choosing to love, even when things aren’t perfect.
The Role of Indifference in Relationship Breakdown
When couples find themselves living together out of responsibility or habit, they’ve entered a dangerous zone where love has been replaced by indifference. This is a critical juncture in a relationship. Indifference doesn’t mean the couple is actively fighting, but it does mean that they are not emotionally engaged with each other anymore. It’s like living with a roommate. There’s no emotional spark, no sense of partnership or intimacy, just a sense of cohabiting. Over time, this indifference becomes corrosive, and the relationship begins to crumble from the inside out.
I’ve worked with many couples who fall into this trap. They stay together because of family commitments, financial responsibilities, or simply the fear of being alone. They are often unwilling to face the truth: the love that once existed between them has faded, and they are no longer willing to invest in the relationship. They’re stuck in a cycle of routine and habit. Unfortunately, this is where a lot of couples find themselves, and it’s not always easy to break free.
The Importance of Full Commitment
One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned as a relationship coach is that for couples therapy to be successful, both individuals must be 100% committed to making the relationship work. It’s not enough to go in with the mindset of “Well, I’ll try and see if things change.” Couples who approach therapy with a “50/50” attitude are often setting themselves up for failure. I’ve seen this countless times, where one person is fully invested, while the other is only partially engaged.
In such cases, no matter how skilled or experienced the couples counsellor is, the outcome is unlikely to be successful. The process of therapy can bring to light deep-seated issues, and sometimes, it reveals that one partner is not willing to put in the effort required to make things work. And that’s when the relationship hits an impasse--along with the therapeutic process!
At this point, my role as a therapist is not to wave a magic wand and fix everything instantly—because, unfortunately, no such wand exists. The best I can do is to help couples navigate their issues and guide them through the difficult conversations that need to happen. But if one partner is not fully committed to the process, I know that no amount of skill or knowledge will help.
Managing Expectations in Couples Counselling
When couples come to me for therapy, one of the first things I do is set clear expectations. I make sure that they understand that therapy is a process, not a quick fix. It requires time, effort, and a willingness to be vulnerable. I often tell couples, “We can work through anything, as long as both of you are ready to put in the work.” But what happens when one partner is simply not willing to try?
Sometimes, the process of counselling will lead one or both partners to realise that things are not going to change. They may come to the painful conclusion that their partner is no longer invested in the relationship, and that’s a truth they have to face. While this is incredibly difficult, it is an important part of the therapeutic journey.
Unfortunately, I have seen couples give up too easily, often after seeing a less experienced or ineffective counsellor. They believe that couples therapy is a “one-size-fits-all” solution and that it should work if they just try hard enough. If the therapy is unsuccessful, they may throw in the towel and decide to part ways, believing they’ve “given it a go” and that it didn’t work. But the reality is that they may not have had the right therapist for the job. A strong, experienced facilitator is crucial to guiding a couple through their struggles and helping them rebuild their bond.
Finding the Right Therapist
The success of couples therapy largely depends on finding the right therapist. A skilled and experienced counsellor will know how to address issues like indifference and help couples rediscover the spark in their relationship. Without the right guidance, couples may find themselves wandering in circles, only to eventually give up.
It’s essential for couples to seek a therapist who is not only qualified but also someone who can build a strong, trusting relationship with both partners. It’s not about having a magic formula but about creating a safe space where each partner feels heard and understood. Couples who commit to the process with the right therapist can, and often do, work through even the most challenging issues.
Conclusion
If you’re living in a relationship out of habit or responsibility, it’s time to assess where you stand. Are you willing to put in the work, or are you just going through the motions? If you’re both committed, couples counselling can help rebuild your relationship, but if only one partner is invested, success may be out of reach.
Indifference is the true enemy of love, and if left unchecked, it can destroy everything you’ve built. However, with full commitment, effective therapy, and a willingness to face the truth, many couples can rediscover love and rebuild their bond stronger than before. But remember, you need to give it your all—100%, not 50/50.
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