Couples Counselling Perth: Why It Breaks My Heart When Only One Partner Shows Up for Change
- Catherine Christie
- Nov 19
- 4 min read
Updated: Nov 20
Couples & Relationship Counselling Perth
As a highly experienced couples counsellor in Perth, I’ve spent nearly a decade sitting with couples through their most tender, painful and transformative moments. I’ve witnessed relationships heal in extraordinary ways — moments where connection is rebuilt, wounds are repaired and couples learn the skills to communicate, listen and love again.
But there is one part of this work that breaks my heart every single time. It’s the moment when one partner is fully committed to healing, and the other quietly refuses to engage.
People assume that the hardest part of couples counselling is the complexity of human emotion. They imagine the sessions must be intense, exhausting, or unpredictable — and yes, sometimes they are. But what truly stays with me long after the session is the unseen grief of the willing partner when their loved one simply refuses to show up for change.
And I cannot share my heartbreak with them.I cannot say, “This isn’t your fault.”I cannot say, “Your partner is avoiding the process, not me.”
Instead, I hold space professionally while watching a bond that could have been revived drift further out of reach.
The painful truth: couples counselling only works when both people show up
One of the biggest misunderstandings about couples counselling is that the therapist somehow holds a magic wand — as though my skills, tools and experience can override one partner’s unwillingness to participate.
I wish people knew how deeply untrue this is.
Real change requires both people to step forward with honesty, openness and a genuine desire to grow — even if they’re scared. Even if they’re angry. Even if they don’t yet know how to repair the damage.
When one partner is all in and the other is half-hearted, avoidant, ambivalent, or resistant, the process becomes both heartbreaking and unsustainable.
Because no matter how skilled or experienced I am, I cannot do the emotional labour for the absent partner.
The common excuse: “I don’t think the counsellor is the right fit”
This is the line I hear most often when one partner wants to avoid counselling:
“I don’t think she’s the right therapist for us.”“Maybe we need someone younger.” “Maybe we need someone older.” “Maybe we should try someone else first.”
The person saying this often appears calm, rational, thoughtful — but underneath it, their partner hears what I hear:
“I don’t want to change.”
This excuse is a delay tactic. A cover. A shield.
It spares them from sitting in discomfort and facing their contribution to the tension and disconnection in the relationship. And meanwhile, their partner clings to the hope that the right professional — or the right moment — will make everything better.
But the truth is this: Not engaging in couples therapy is not about the counsellor. It’s about fear, ego, avoidance and the fantasy that relationships heal themselves.
The tragic misconception: believing therapy can be done for them
I’ve had many moments where a hopeful partner looks at me with such desperation in their eyes, as if silently asking:
“Can you fix us?” “Can you bring them back to me?” “Can you make them try?”
But I can’t .No therapist can.
I can guide, teach, support and skill-build. I can hold a safe, compassionate, non-judgemental space. I can offer evidence-based tools for communication, emotional regulation and healthy conflict.
But I cannot force willingness.
And when the unwilling partner finally walks away — or continues to stall the process — the willing partner often assumes I have somehow failed to create enough change.
That grief… I carry it quietly.
Why I feel this so deeply as a Perth relationship therapist and couples counsellor
Working with so many Perth couples over the years, I have seen incredible transformations — couples who walk in disconnected, devitalised and hurting, and walk out with renewed closeness, trust and hope.
But when a couple aborts the process early because one person refuses to engage, it feels like losing a patient I knew we could save.
The sadness comes from knowing:
The bond could have healed.
The communication could have improved.
The resentment could have dissolved.
The emotional safety could have been rebuilt.
The home environment could have shifted from tension back to connection.
But the choice had to come from both people — and it didn’t.
It takes two to move a relationship from tension to connection
Couples counselling is not an individual pursuit. It’s a shared process.A partnership.
Two people, equally willing, equally invested, equally open to learning new skills and breaking old patterns.
That is the formula. Not luck .Not chance. Not a magical counsellor with a silver wand.
A relationship is a system. If one person refuses to participate, the system cannot reorganise into something healthier.
My heartfelt message to any couple in Perth considering therapy
If you’re reading this and one of you feels afraid, resistant or unsure — that’s normal. Counselling requires courage. Vulnerability. Openness. It asks both of you to look gently but honestly at yourselves and your bond.
But please don’t let avoidance become the reason your relationship fails.
As a couples counsellor in Perth, I can guide you both — powerfully, compassionately and professionally — but only if you both step into the room with willingness.
Not perfection. Not certainty. Just willingness.
If you give the process a chance, you may be astonished at how much relief, clarity and connection it brings.
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