How to Fix My Relationship: The Truth About Couples Therapy and Why Some Partners Refuse to Engage

Relationships can be complicated, and as a couples therapist, I have seen the spectrum of what works and what doesn’t. It’s no secret that fixing a relationship requires both partners to be committed, open to change, and engaged in the process. However, what happens when one partner isn’t invested, or worse, actively sabotages the healing process? No matter how skilled I am as a therapist, I have to admit that when one partner is dismissive avoidant, narcissistic, or dealing with high-end sociopathic tendencies, my hands are often tied.

This is a difficult but essential point for partners to understand: If your partner isn’t willing to engage in the process, healing and connecting may not be possible, no matter how much you try. I’ve seen this happen far too often in my career. One partner may refuse to participate in the relationship health assessment, disengage after the first session, or avoid the whole process altogether. It’s disheartening, especially when the other partner is committed to making things work. If this is happening to you, it’s important to understand that this type of behavior is a major red flag.

But what if both partners are willing to work on the relationship? This is where the Gottman Method comes into play.

The Gottman Method: Evidence-Based Couples Therapy

The Gottman Method, developed by Dr. John and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, is one of the most researched and effective forms of couples therapy. Based on over 40 years of research, the Gottman approach helps couples to understand each other better, improve communication, and build a more stable, long-lasting relationship. It’s grounded in evidence, offering practical tools to help couples deal with conflict, strengthen their bond, and create healthier patterns in their relationship.

One of the key features of the Gottman Method is the use of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, which is a framework for identifying destructive communication patterns. These “horsemen” are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

Here’s a breakdown of each one:

1. Criticism: When you start attacking your partner’s character rather than addressing a specific behaviour, it’s a sign of criticism. It’s not about pointing out an action but about implying something negative about who they are as a person.

2. Contempt: Contempt is one of the most destructive behaviours in a relationship. It involves belittling your partner, mocking them, or treating them with disdain. This can take the form of sarcasm, eye rolling, or name-calling.

3. Defensiveness: Defensiveness is often a reaction to criticism, but it can also escalate a situation rather than resolve it. Instead of listening and understanding, a defensive partner deflects or shifts the blame.

4. Stonewalling: Stonewalling is when one partner withdraws from the conversation or shuts down emotionally, refusing to engage or communicate. This leaves the other partner feeling unheard and unsupported.

   
   

These four patterns can seriously damage a relationship, but the Gottman Method offers strategies to counteract them, including softening your startup, taking responsibility, and creating rituals of connection.

The Efficacy of the Gottman Method

The beauty of the Gottman Method is that it offers not just understanding, but also practical tools. Couples can learn to recognise the warning signs of destructive behaviours and take steps to replace them with healthier communication strategies. The result? Stronger emotional connection, healthier conflict resolution, and more fulfilling relationships.

However, as much as I believe in the power of the Gottman Method and its effectiveness, it’s important to acknowledge the role that both partners play in the process. When one partner is dismissive, avoidant, or dealing with personality disorders like narcissism or sociopathy, the road to healing becomes incredibly difficult. If your partner refuses to engage or sabotages the process, the relationship may be beyond repair—at least not through traditional therapy.

The Bottom Line: Recognising the Red Flags

If your partner is actively refusing to participate in the relationship health assessment or coaching sessions, or if they are sabotaging the process, this should be a red flag. If you are feeling gaslit, confused, or wondering why your partner is not equally invested in the healing process, it may be time to take a step back and assess whether this relationship is healthy for you.

Healing, connection, and a safe, healthy relationship dynamic are possible—but only if both partners are committed. Don’t ignore the signs if your partner isn’t willing to engage.

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