Three People in The Couples Process: Why Couples Counselling Wins Every Time (and Why It Fails)
- Catherine Christie
- Jan 30
- 3 min read
Updated: Feb 1
When it comes to couples counselling, many clients have approached me after trying another therapist, sharing that the sessions didn’t help or provide any real tools to make lasting changes. So why does this happen? And why is it that couples counselling can sometimes feel like it’s not working? Is it the therapist or the couple's fault? Or both?
The truth is, for counselling to truly succeed, there are three people involved in the process: the therapist and both partners. Each of them plays a critical role, and without the full commitment from everyone, the process is unlikely to succeed. Let me explain why.
Firstly, I want to emphasise that I am 100% committed to supporting couples to heal their bond—especially when both partners love each other, have children, and genuinely want to make it work. My commitment comes from my deep passion for relationship coaching and therapy, which is why I’ve dedicated my career to helping couples thrive.
However, my role as a therapist is only part of the equation. The key ingredient to a successful couples counselling experience is 100% commitment from both partners. In my clinical experience, when one partner is not fully invested in the process, it becomes impossible to create lasting change. This is often evident when one partner attends a few sessions and then bails. In psychoanalytic terms, this is considered resistance, which typically arises from hidden agendas—such as one partner not truly wanting to change or secretly planning to leave at a more convenient time.
But this dynamic doesn’t just stop there. Sometimes, one partner might resist change even when they claim they want it. For example, let’s say Tom is an alcoholic who has finally sobered up in an effort to save his marriage with Ivy. While Tom is committed to changing, Ivy might struggle to let go of the identity she’s built over decades as the long-suffering partner who stuck by him despite all odds. In some cases, Ivy may find validation in being seen as the “saint” who tolerated Tom’s behaviour for so long. If that aspect of her identity is challenged, it can trigger resistance to change, even if it’s in her best interest.
This is the interesting phenomenon I encounter frequently: couples who stay together after counselling, but don’t implement the tools and strategies offered. They may go through the motions, but ultimately, they remain stuck in the same patterns. This often happens when one partner doesn’t want to let go of a certain role or identity they’ve developed over the years. It's not that they don't want a better relationship, but rather that the process of change would require them to shift their ego in ways that are uncomfortable.
Another challenge I’ve seen is when one partner doesn't truly connect with the therapist. While this may appear to be a simple personality clash, it’s often a sign of deeper issues—such as resistance or subconscious fears about the changes that would come with a successful therapy process.
The reality is that marriage and couples counselling is a huge responsibility, and it’s not something that should be taken lightly. That's why it’s so important to find a therapist who truly specialises in this area, rather than a general psychologist who only takes on couples here and there. A couples therapist with experience—ideally 10 years or more—will have the tools, knowledge, and expertise to guide you through the process effectively. This is crucial for the success of your relationship.
At The Edge Counselling,based in Subiaco, Perth, I provide both onsite and online couples counselling services, ensuring that no matter where you are, you can receive the support you need. If you are tired of feeling stuck, and both partners are committed to creating a better relationship and a happier home life, I am here for you. I work Sundays too--Its way too important work to do after a long day at the office--its best if you are well rested and fresh to enjoy the collaboration into a happier home life!
I’ve written a book, Grass Isn’t Greener, It’s Astro-Turf (available on Amazon from February 2025), which dives deeper into the lessons I’ve learned throughout my career and how couples can avoid common pitfalls. For more information or to book your session, please visit www.theedgecounselling.com.au
Remember, a successful counselling process requires three people: the therapist and both partners. If you’re committed, I’m committed, and together, we can make lasting changes that will transform your relationship for the better. Let’s do this!
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