Can You FIX a Struggling Relationship ? The "Magic Sex" Phase & The "Roll-Up Sleeves" Phase
- Catherine Christie
- Oct 3, 2024
- 4 min read
Unlocking the Secrets to Lasting Love: Why Couples Counseling and Relationship Education Are Vital
As an author, couples counselor, and relationship coach, I often reflect on the profound wisdom shared by Dr. Esther Perel. In my work with brave, committed, and loving couples, I also see those who find themselves on my couch at the end of their relationship. The systemic damage that builds over time, often unknowingly, can bring them to a place where they simply need someone to hold both their hands as their relationship breathes its last breath. This is devastating for both partners, especially when they’ve shared so much of their lives together, including raising children. As an empath and a highly committed couples counselor, it’s deeply saddening for me as well. If there is even a chance to save the relationship, I do everything in my power to facilitate that outcome—by identifying the unhealthy patterns embedded in their "couples dance" and offering new insights, tools, and skills to help them heal.
In this blog, I’ll explore the dynamics of the honeymoon phase and discuss why we are often attracted to certain partners, drawing on Dr. Perel’s beautifully articulated thoughts. I’ve also provided a link to her talk for further insight.So worth a listen. Even for other couples counsellors and psychotherapists visiting this blog.
Millions of people around the world search for relationship advice every day, wondering how to improve their partnership, overcome challenges, or reignite the spark. One of the most powerful voices in the field of couples counseling, Dr. Esther Perel, offers insightful advice that resonates with couples everywhere. One of her most famous teachings is that we often choose partners whose proclivities match our vulnerabilities, and vice versa. This reciprocal dynamic can either be a source of profound growth or deep conflict, depending on how we navigate it.
In fact, Dr. Perel points out an irony in modern relationships: many people decide to leave a relationship right when the real work is supposed to begin. The honeymoon phase, which is filled with passion and an idealized version of our partner, is temporary. It’s when this phase fades, and we are left with the “real” person, that we are truly called to action. This is the moment where most couples find themselves at a crossroads: Do we stay and grow together, or do we part ways?
When the Real Work Begins: From Fantasy to Reality
The honeymoon phase is often seen as the pinnacle of romance. But as Dr. Perel wisely notes, it’s not reality. It’s a shared fantasy where both partners project their ideal “dream person” onto each other. This psychological phenomenon, known as idealistic distortion, can only last for so long. When life’s challenges start to reveal the human flaws in both partners, that’s when the hard work of building a strong and lasting relationship begins. But too often, couples miss this opportunity to dive into that work together.
As a couples counselor with years of experience, I have seen many relationships end prematurely, not because the partners didn’t love each other, but because they weren’t equipped with the right tools to navigate the transition from romance to reality. They didn't understand that conflict isn’t a sign of failure, but rather an invitation to grow. One of the most important investments couples can make is in relationship education and couples counseling. Whether you’re newly engaged, just starting out, or have been together for decades, having the skills to communicate, resolve conflicts, and maintain intimacy can be the difference between a relationship that thrives and one that deteriorates.
Dr. Perel’s insights resonate deeply with what I see in my own practice. Sadly, too many couples arrive at my counseling office only when they feel that they are at a breaking point. While I am here to support couples at every stage, it’s always easier to help those who have invested in relationship education early on—ideally before major conflicts arise. Pre-marital counseling and ongoing relationship support provide couples with a roadmap to navigate the inevitable ups and downs of a long-term relationship.
Investing in Your Relationship’s Future
It is never too late to invest in your relationship. If you are already experiencing challenges, consider this the perfect time to start "getting in" and doing the real work of building a strong, lasting bond. Whether you're in the early stages of love or facing years of unresolved tension, couples counseling can help.
Relationship education goes beyond the basic communication skills that many expect. It delves into deeper emotional and psychological dynamics, helping couples understand their patterns, vulnerabilities, and triggers. With the right guidance, couples can learn how to turn conflict into connection and build a foundation of mutual respect and understanding.
Dr. Perel's teachings emphasize the importance of getting help when it’s needed—not when it’s too late. If you're curious to learn more about how to invest in your relationship, I invite you to watch Dr. Esther Perel’s talk here: https://www.facebook.com/reel/1217835066198055 Her wisdom can be a game-changer for couples at any stage of their journey.
And if you’re looking for personalised guidance, whether you’re a FIFO worker or based in a rural area, I offer online support for couples all over Australia. My Relationship Health Test provides invaluable insights, helping couples identify areas of strength and growth. To learn more about my services, including pre-marital counseling, relationship coaching(individuals or couples,) and couples therapy, visit my website: www.theedgecounselling.com.au.
The Road Ahead: Embrace the Journey Together
Remember, a strong relationship doesn’t happen by accident. It takes commitment, education, and the willingness to learn and grow together. Whether you’re just starting out or have been together for years, the tools you gain from couples counseling and relationship education can transform your connection.
As you continue to navigate the complexities of love, don’t shy away from the hard work. Instead, embrace it, knowing that what lies ahead is a deeper, more meaningful connection with the person you’ve chosen to share your life with.
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